Topsy Turvy
by Julri
Summary: How can some some muggles, a bunch of firstyears, a couple of Hogwarts misfits, a redheaded nerd, old enemies, exwives, a werewolf, a few Death Eaters, lots of dead people, and a witch that knows nothing about Quiddich save the day?
1. Steak! It's What's For Dinner

1Topsy Turvy

Chapter One: Steak! It's What's For Dinner

If there was anything Hermione knew nothing about, it was Quidditch. Ron and Harry were practically obsessed with it, but she couldn't tell the difference between a Quaffle and a Bludger. Ron had tried showing her how to play, but she was worse at Quidditch than Divination. His usual lessons only involved him saying, "C'mon, Hermione; I know you know how to fly! All you have to do is-HERMIONE! WATCH OUT FOR THAT GOAL POST! …Uh oh…" Since Ron started tutoring her, she'd actually become considerably worse. She couldn't help sticking her tongue out at his back, even if he had become her boyfriend at the beginning of the summer after their sixth year.

Harry wasn't much better. Half the time he was trying to show her how to catch the Snitch, he was either moping around or sighing and bowing his head. It was always "I miss Dumbledore" this and "I miss Sirius" that. Even worse was the other half of the time when he was angry. In which case it was "I hate Voldemort" that and "I hate Snape/Malfoy/any-and-every-Death-Eater" this. How annoying.

Even snogging with Ron didn't make her feel better. One minute she'd be trying to tell him about something she just read and the next he was shoving his tongue down her throat.

That and the fact that he was a horrible Quidditch instructor was probably why she ended it with him.

Now, a few things happened when Hermione broke up with Ron:

1. Ron cried like a little girl.

2. Ginny and Mrs. Weasley gave her nasty looks for the rest of the summer.

3. She didn't get to be a bride's maid at Bill and Fleur's wedding. (Not that she wanted to be one, really)

4. Harry kept giving her a hard time. (Between moping and going on rampages, that is.)

5. She was now single and lovin' it.

Of course, dinner at the Weasleys' was always a tad awkward.

"Can we have steak for dinner?" the newlywed Bill would always ask.

"But we had steak for dinner every night this week so far!" Ginny would whine.

"I'm not making steak again, Bill! Everyone's sick of it!" Mrs. Weasley would say, though she'd be in the kitchen preparing it for dinner the next minute.

Hermione, who had just recently become a vegetarian after considering animal rights (if it wasn't house elves, it was always something else), would sigh, thinking about all the dinners she'd been made to skip that week. It wasn't easy spending the summer with a kind-of-sort-of werewolf. Not to mention that full moons were a handful.

Halfway through dinner, after several awkward moments of dodging dirty looks, Harry's constant moping and rampaging, and Bill's unbashful drooling all over the steak, Ron would give Hermione a "you ruined my life, but I love you, so why don't you love me?" look, start crying, and then run up to his room, a moping/rampaging Harry following and calling him "ninny" and "you little girl".

As you can see, Hermione was not having the most pleasant of summers.

But a few days before Harry's birthday, Hermione's saviors came. Well at least for a bit. These saviors went by the names of Luna Lovegood and Neville Longbottom. Neville and Luna had decided to stay for a little bit to be with Harry, who was moping and rampaging any-time-any-place, so he was kinda easy to find. Of course, Harry and Ron completely ignored them, but Hermione was desperate for some sort of non-moping/rampaging/nasty-look-giving/psycho-steak-loving-kind-of-sort-of-werewolf human contact. Besides, Neville and Luna really weren't all that bad.

At least not at first.

"I'm thinking about teaching, after I finish with Hogwarts," Neville announced.

"Herbology?" Hermione asked.

"Yeah," he replied, with a hint of pride. "But I need some sort of practice, I think."

"You could teach first years Quidditch," Luna suggested.

Hermione and Neville stared at the sixth year Ravenclaw blankly.

"Think about it," Luna said. "You know how to play, even if you aren't on the team. And you'd get a lot of turn ups, seeing as, a) Hooch's classes never do anything, and b) you know Harry Potter. Mostly because of b). Besides, it would help them out. Who knows, it might even help some of them get onto the Quidditch team for their second year. You know, if the Smugnuffins don't eat them first."

"Smugnuffins?" Hermione asked skeptically.

"Oh," Luna began, "they're these little flesh eating bugs that live inside Quaffles. The Quibbler wrote all about them last month. One of our best issues ever."

Hermione, who still couldn't remember what exactly a Quaffle was, wanted to say, "I seriously doubt these 'Smugnuffins' are real," but didn't. Because with her luck, Harry would pass by right as she said "seriously doubt" and it would remind him of dead Sirius and then he'd start crying like a baby, which would get Ron going, which Hermione really didn't need right then.

"Alright. I'll do it," Neville said. "But…only if you help me out."

"_Me? Help out with Quidditch?"_ Hermione thought to herself.

But, it doesn't really matter what Hermione was thinking, because Neville was talking to Luna, who dreamily replied, "I'd love to, Nevvypoo. Ooh! That rhymes!"

It was then that Luna and Neville fell in love and ruined everything for Hermione. So now that Hermione's two "saviors" had hooked up, they ignored her completely. She then went back to being a lonely, hated, ignored Hermione who for once wished she had stayed home with her parents.

And that is exactly why Hermione went home.

Granted, being home with her Muggle parents wasn't as interesting as being around constant nasty looks, moping/rampaging, crying, stupid romance, and guys obsessed with uncooked steak. But so what? Sometimes, boring is better.

Boring is still boring though. So Hermione decided to go to the local Muggle theater to see a movie. Nothing good was playing, but she didn't care. Seeing "Attack of the Robotic Mermaids from Mars" and "As The World Turns: The Movie," was much better than being around whining Ron, glaring Ginny, and sighing-crying-rampaging Harry.

Hermione sat down in the dark theater. The film she was seeing was a loosely based drama/comedy of some comic book with corny superheroes that she'd never heard of. She supposed it could've been worse.

"Excuse me, but do you mind if I sit here?"

Hermione looked up. A shy looking brunette with large, brown eyes was gesturing towards the seat next to Hermione.

"Sure. Go ahead," Hermione said.

The girl took the seat. "I'm Lauren," she introduced herself.

"I'm Hermione," she replied.

"I read a book with a character named Hermione once," Lauren said.

Hermione nodded. "So, do you know what this film's about?"

The girl shook her head. "No. Actually, it sounded pretty stupid to me."

Hermione smiled. "Me, too."

The two teens whispered, laughed, and made fun of the film throughout the whole thing. Well, not quite the whole thing, because they were kicked out for disturbing other viewers before the film was actually over.

"You wanna go get some lunch?" Lauren asked.

"Sure," Hermione said, as the two girls headed to a nearby McDonald's.

"You know, I hate McDonald's," Lauren said with distaste.

"Me, too," Hermione laughed.

"Oh well. At least their food is better than their advertisements."

Hermione, who didn't watch much televsion, didn't have the slightest clue as to what Lauren was talking about, but giggled anyway.

After they both got their food, she decided to ask a question. "So, what book had a character with my name?"

Lauren replied, "Oh, it was this book by some woman named J. K. Rowling about a wizarding school. It's called 'Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone.'"

Hermione spat out her soda. "What!"

"'Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone,'" Lauren repeated. "See, there's this dorky kid named Harry, duh, whose parents were killed or whatever by this evil guy named Voldemort and..."

Hermione spat out her drink again. "Oh my god..."

"What?" Lauren asked.

"I need to go to the library right now!" Hermione said, jumping up.

Lauren, confused, said, "Here, we can take my car and I'll help you find the book. Though I really can't imagine why it would make you spit your soda out at me. Ick."

"Sorry," Hermione mumbled, rushing out the door with Lauren following closely.


	2. Seven Muggle Weirdos

Topsy Turvy Chapter Two: Seven Muggle Weirdos "This is just so strange," Hermione said, skimming through the book "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone."

She had come to reach three conclusions. Either:

1. This Rowling lady was a very nosy witch.  
2. Someone was giving her information. (And was also very nosy)  
3. A witch or wizard was somehow implanting these ideas into her head.

Hermione neither knew nor cared. What she did know was that Lauren was staring at her like she was insane. And what she did care about was a Muggle girl being suspicious.

Hermione thought about simply erasing Lauren's memory, but something stopped her.  
She weighed her options. "Lauren," she said finally. "Follow me."

Hermione led Lauren into the girl's restroom at the library, the one place where she didn't have to whisper, but could have some privacy. "Can you keep a secret"  
Hermione asked.

"Sure," Lauren replied.

Hermione took a deep breath. "The girl in the book is me. I'm a witch."

Lauren stared at Hermione blankly and then did what most of us would do in this situation: she cracked up.

"A witch, huh?" Lauren laughed out. "Well where's your 'magic wand'?"

Hermione pulled out her wand.

"Use it, then," Lauren commanded.

"I can't use magic in front of a Mug…unmagical person," Hermione said, correcting herself before she said the word "Muggle," which, as it turns out, is a derogatory word for unmagical folk that dates back to the late 1700's. Nobody knows or cares what it actually means, but that's not the point. What the point is… is that it's just rude.

"Alright," Lauren said. She thought a moment. "Let's go somewhere else."

A few minutes later, Hermione and Lauren were sitting on a bench at a nearby park.  
Hermione told Lauren everything: about the Chamber of Secrets, Sirius Black, the Triwizard Tournament, Voldemort coming back, the prophecy, and everything up to Dumbledore's death and her breakup with Ron.

Lauren was silent for a moment. Then she spoke. "Well, it's not exactly how I would've ended things. I would've killed off Harry Potter, made at least one of the Slytherins good, and would've had someone else go off his rocker and kill Dumbledore, but, hey,  
whatever you say. Oh, and I would've had Hogwarts blow up in the end. That be cool."

"But do you believe me?" Hermione asked, now slightly disturbed.

"Sure," Lauren said. "Just answer one question for me, alright?"

"Okay…" Hermione said.

"Is it just me, or does this Potter boy's scar look like a chicken wing?"

Hermione smiled. "No, it's not just you."

The two girls giggled even more than they had over making fun of the film they'd seen earlier that day. And that World had Turned pretty slowly.

"So, when are you going to erase my memory?" Lauren asked excitedly.

"What?" Hermione questioned.

"Well, you did just tell a, um, what was it, 'Muggle' girl about the wizarding world and all that," Lauren pointed out. "And you know I'm certainly going to blab it to all my friends."

Hermione shook her head. "I'm not going to erase your memory, Lauren. I've always thought that Mug... your kind have a right to know about us." She paused. "But if you can't keep your mouth shut about this, at least let me meet your friends. Okay?"

Lauren nodded. "Deal."

Hermione and Lauren arranged to meet the next day at noon. Now, there were two things that Hermione noticed about Lauren's house when she got there:

1. It was very rundown, shabby, crummy, etc.  
2. There were more books than in the Hogwarts library, which was delightful.

What she really noticed was that Lauren had some very odd friends. There were six of them, each very different and a bit stranger than the last.

Hermione was introduced to each one individually.

"I'm Jesse," a tall, black girl said. "And I have NEVER seen hair that puffy on a white girl."

"I'm Garry," an Asian boy said. "And I'm Korean, not Chinese. And I don't know karate or any other type of martial arts."

"I'm Kelsey," a girl with curly, black hair said. "And whoa, mama! Your hair's even poofier than mine!"

"I'm Jared," a skinny boy with glasses said. "And I'd rather be playing video games right now than being at this stupid introduction."

"I'm Leslie," a small, blonde girl said. "Maths are hard."

"Garcia, Billy," a dorky boy with an army helmet said. "And what Leslie just said made no sense, Ma'am!"

"I'm Lauren," Lauren said unnecessarily. "And ya'll do realize that this isn't an AA meeting, right?"

"Whatever," Kelsey said.

This time, it was Hermione's turn to speak up. "I'm Hermione, and I'm a witch," she stated clearly.

"With a 'B'?" Jesse asked.

"Bwitch?" Leslie asked curiously.

"Yes," Kelsey said, "She's a bwitch, Barbie."

Two hours later, Hermione had explained everything. Three hours later, she had managed to convince everyone that she wasn't crazy. Four hours later everyone thought she was crazy again. But five hours later, they were convinced of her sanity once more.

"Wait a minute," Kelsey said. "How are we supposed to keep in touch with you while you're at, um, Pigwarts? Or is this a goodbye?"

"E-mail?" Jared suggested.

"Owl," Hermione corrected.

"Where do we get an owl?" Jesse asked. "I mean, we 'Muggle' thingys don't have owl shops on every street. Or any street."

Hermione thought for a minute. "Tomorrow, we'll go and get an owl for you all."

"Ya'll," Kelsey corrected. 

"For ya'll," Hermione said.

"Hey," Leslie said. "Do you think you could get me a date with Harry Potter?"

"Um, no," Hermione said.

"Why not?" Leslie persisted.

Hermione replied, "Um, because he's, uh, gay. Yes, that's right. He's gay." Well, she had to make up something! Besides, Harry had been looking at Ron a little differently lately.

"Hey, do you think you could get me a date with Dumbledore?" Jesse asked.

"Probably not. He's sort of dead. And rotting," Hermione replied.

"Could you hook me up with Professor McGonagall?" Jared asked. "I've always liked older women."

"I seriously hope you're joking," Hermione answered.

"What about..." Kelsey began.

"NO!" Hermione yelled.

"Oh, all right. Fine," Kelsey said.

They were silent for a moment.

"Hey!" Kelsey began, "Does this mean that Frodo from the Lord of the Rings is real,  
too?"

Hermione replied, "I honestly don't know."

"What about the Narnia Chronicles?"

"I really don't know."

"What about Star Wars?"

"I'm telling you, I don't know."

"What about..."

"Listen, Kelsey, I DON'T KNOW," Hermione said. "I think I should go for now. Lauren,  
call me tomorrow." 

"Alright," Lauren said.

As Hermione exited, she had one thought on her mind: "Well, at least they're more normal than kind-of-sort-of werewolves and moping/rampaging/maybe-gay Harry." 


	3. Attack of the Red Headed Dorks

Topsy Turvy Chapter Three: Attack of the Red Headed Dorks "So, this is Diagon Alley," Lauren said.

Hermione nodded. "Here, Lauren and I can go get the owl. The rest of you can split up.  
But, try not to get in any trouble and don't make it obvious that you're all, um, unmagical people."

A few minutes later, Hermione and Lauren were looking over the prospects. "How about this one?" Lauren asked, pointing to a small, grey owl.

"Sure," Hermione shrugged.

They purchased the owl and then went off to get something for lunch. Hermione picked up her drink as she asked, "So, what're you going to name him?"

Lauren thought for a moment. "I think I'll call him Voldemort."

Hermione spat out her drink. "What!"

"Voldemort!" Lauren repeated.

A number of witches and wizards nearby jumped and/or shrieked.

"Um, she said, er, that her pet vole has warts. Yes, voley warts. Not, um, you know"  
Hermione said, trying (and failing) to cover it up. Then she whispered, "Lauren, you can't be serious."

"I am," Lauren said adamantly. "Do you have a better suggestion?"

Hermione thought a moment. "All right. But how about Tom instead? You know, as in Tom Riddle?"

"Oh, alright!" Lauren said. She looked at the small owl. "Ah, Tommy's so cute!" she cooed.

Hermione rolled her eyes. She knew this had been a bad idea.

Meanwhile, Jesse, Garry, Kelsey, Jared, Leslie, and Billy were running for their lives.  
"Herrrrrmmiiiiiooooiiiiineeeeeee!"

See, what happened was just this:

"This wind began to switch! The house, to pitch! And suddenly hinges started to unhitch!  
Just then, the witch! To satisfy an itch, went flying on her broomstick, thumbing for a hitch. Oh! What happened then was rich!"

"Kelsey, shut it!" Jesse ordered.

"We represent the Lollipop Guild! The Lollipop Guild!"

"Jared! Shush!"

"Ding, dong the witch is dead!"

"Kelsey!"

"Which old witch?"

"Jared!"

"The wicked witch!"

"Kelsey! Jared! Shut up!" Jesse yelled.

They shut up.

"Ooh, let's try this place!" Leslie squealed.

"Weasley's Wizarding Wheazes?" Garry asked. "I dunno, it sounds pretty stupid to me."

"You-No-Poo?" Billy questioned.

"C'mon, let's just go in," Kelsey whined.

The shop they entered was crowded with people in robes and wizard hats. Needless to say, the six Muggles felt a little self conscious in their attire. Well, except for Billy, who was wearing camouflage.

Two red haired guys popped up from out of no where. They were trying to tell people about some new product that made people's noses grow 300 bigger.

"What a couple of dorks," Kelsey said.

"Mmm-hmm," Jesse nodded and agreed.

Okay, long story short, they knocked over a bunch of shelves, caused several people's noses to grow three times bigger and then knocked over a helpless, little old lady.

So, now they were running for their lives, with two dorky red heads chasing after them.  
You can probably imagine how surprised Hermione and Lauren were when the six teenagers bursted into the room yelling, "Those red headed dorks are trying to kill us!  
Heeeelllllllp!"

"Oh, no," Lauren groaned.

Hermione really didn't want to run into the Weasley twins right then, especially not after her break up with Ron. So she said, "Quick, take my hands!" In about three seconds,  
seven Muggles were clinging onto Hermione, she Apparated, and two red headed dorks ran into the building, only to wind up incredibly confused. "We'll get you our pretties!" the dork twins shouted in unison. "And your little owl too!"

"Whoa... That was so cool!" Kelsey exclaimed after Apparating.

"Hey," Jared said, feeling his face. "What happened to my eyebrows?"

"Um, I have to go now," Hermione said quickly. "Write to me, okay?"

"Of course," Lauren replied.

Hermione left feeling confused and annoyed, but overall quite happy.

The next week, Hermione was back on the train to Hogwarts. She had just come from an embarrassing confrontation with Ron (let's just say that he burst out crying and yelling, "You hate me! You hate me!" right in the middle of the Prefect meeting). So,  
now she was trying to find a compartment to sit in that was devoid of crying/moping/rampaging idiots. Oh, and that was also devoid of the sight of Neville and Luna making out. Ugh. Do you know how disturbing it is to watch someone make out with a toad on their head?

Hermione was a bit upset, partially because she hadn't been able to get to be Head Girl,  
but that the position was given to some Hufflepuff girl. After all the times she'd saved that school's arse, you'd think they'd at least give her something for it.

Hermione finally found a compartment. There was only one other person inside: a dark haired woman in her mid-thirties. She was very young looking, though, and was very pretty, to say the least.

"Hello. I'm Hermione Granger," she said. "You are?"

"Forma Gravis. New Defense Against the Dark Arts professor," the dark haired woman said. "I'll probably only be here for the year, though."

"How come?" Hermione asked, sitting down.

"No reason in particular," the woman said casually. "I'm just sort of guessing. That's all."

The two women were silent for a moment. "So," Hermione began. "Are you looking forward to teaching at Hogwarts?"

Professor Gravis shrugged. "On the plus side," she started, "I'll probably be the least strange Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher they've had for the past few years.  
When you consider everyone else, I'm almost normal."

"Well, some of them weren't that bad," Hermione said.

Gravis snorted. "Not that bad? Are you telling me guys with You-Know-Who on the back of their head, self-loving morons who just happen to have nice hair and fantastic teeth,  
whimpy werewolves that probably only took the job because they couldn't get taken on anywhere else, crazy lunatics that turn out to be even crazier lunatics disguised in their body, fat women with a face that could kill (though it would only be putting you out your misery), and a murderous traitor 'weren't that bad'!" Gravis had to catch her breath.

"Um, no, I guess not," Hermione mumbled, thinking that Gravis was a little odd herself.  
Hermione hadn't known the woman for long, but she did seem to have a bit of a temper,  
considering that she screamed that last paragraph at the top of her lungs.

Recomposing herself, Gravis smiled. "Now then, that's taken care of."

"Um, right," Hermione said, inching away from Gravis.

Gravis looked at Hermione. "I thought I recognized your name. You're that girlfriend of Harry Potter's, right?"

"We're just friends, Professor," Hermione hurriedly replied, shivering from the idea of going out with creepy, moping, crying, sighing, rampaging, nut job Harry.

"Oh. Who's the other one? Don Weasles, right?"

"Ron Weasley."

"Oh, I see," the professor said. "I used to be best friends with Lily, Harry's mother. I'm probably the only one who really knew her. She was a real funny girl."

"Did you know James Potter much?" Hermione asked curiously.

"Yes, of course," Gravis replied. "Everyone knew that arrogant son of a-Ooh! Look!  
We're almost there!"

Inching even further away from Gravis, Hermione asked, "Um, Professor Gravis, would you mind if I asked why you hated him so much? Everyone else seemed to adore him.  
Well, almost everyone."

Gravis rolled her eyes. "For starters, he was rude, selfish, piggish, sexist, stupid,  
bullyish, and other things I can't even mention. In fact, there's only one person from my school days at Hogwarts that I hated more."

"Who was that?" Hermione asked.

"My ex-husband," the woman replied.

"Then why did you marry him?"

"Because I loved that stupid idiot."

"If you loved him, why did you divorce him, then?"

"Well, we got in a huge fight and, um, this really isn't any of your business."

Gravis gave Hermione a weirded out stare. Hermione reddened, wishing more than anything that this trip was over. "Sorry to intrude."

"Humph! You should be!" Gravis said, turning her head.

What a strange person, Hermione thought.

The train stopped. There was the familiar call of, "First years! First years!" Of course,  
there were less first years than there had been any of her other years at Hogwarts because of the whole thing that happened a few months earlier.

Hermione sat down at the Gryffindor table, far away from Ron, Ginny, and Harry, who,  
at the current time, were crying, glaring, and rampaging, in that order. Actually, Harry had just thrown a fist full of mashed potatoes and a chicken bone at the sobbing Ron,  
while saying, "GRRRR! And the next time I find you, I'm going to be ready. The next time you annoy me, I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"

Oh boy. This was going to be a long, long year. 


	4. A Weasley On The Other Side

Topsy Turvy Chapter Four: A Weasley On The Other Side The hat was singing. The Sorting Hat, that is. Hermione had never really cared for its little rhymes and poems, but its singing was just plain terrible. Plus, it wasn't like she could've made fun of the stupid hat with anyone, seeing as her friends weren't talking to her. Well, in the case of Luna and Neville, it was mostly that they couldn't talk. They were too busy looking at each other with googly eyes (the lovey kind, not Loony kind) or making out.

In Hermione's opinion, the Hat's songs got stupider every year. This year it was just flat out idiotic:

"Roses are red,  
Violets are blue.  
I'm a sorting hat,  
So you!"

At the end of the five second song, everyone cheered, tears of happiness in their eyes,  
as they yelled, "Bravo! Bravo!" or "It's just so beautiful!"

Hermione rolled her eyes. Sometimes, magical people could be so stupid. Not as stupid as magical hats, though.

The actual Sorting itself wasn't much better. Just a bunch of nervous looking first years putting on some ugly, old hat. Probably getting lice from it. It didn't help that this year the hat kept commenting on how big their heads were and comparing who had the most/worst dandruff.

Hermione, bored out of her wits, looked over at the Slytherin table. It was practically empty. Most of the Slytherins had joined Voldemort's side. The only people left from her year were Blaise Zabini and Millicent Bulstrode, each of which looking like they didn't want to be there.

The professors' table seemed somehow empty, as well. It was strange, not seeing Dumbledore or Snape there. Instead, there was McGonagall in Dumbledore's old chair and Forma Gravis where Snape had been. The new Transfiguration professor was a man with the build and beard of Father Christmas. Coincidently, his name was Professor Santos Claws.

After the feast (which consisted of KFC and Hostess cupcakes. Sometimes, it seemed like the House Elves just weren't trying anymore), Hermione led the first year Gryffindors up to the Gryffindor towers. There were seven of them, less than there had been any other year Hermione had been at Hogwarts. But these were new times, and everyone was afraid. Hermione thought it was pretty stupid for people to lock themselves away and not have their children educated, but there wasn't really anything she could do about it.

Once Hermione entered the Common Room, she bumped into Ron, who went into a crying frenzy, and yelled, "Take me back, baby! I can change! Just gimme a chance"  
Hermione ran up to her room as quickly as her legs would take her. But if she had turned around, she would've seen Ginny scowling and Harry starting to cry because the way Hermione ran reminded him of Sirius. In some, weird, patented, Boy-Who-Lived way.

The next morning, Hermione sat alone at the Gryffindor table, far away from her friends,  
when the owls came flooding in. With large birds flying overhead, Hermione heard many people screech and put their hands over themselves in protection. But it didn't really matter because the owls dropped droppings all over them, anyways. Not to mention that they completely ruined breakfast. (Cheerios and expired orange juice. Stupid, lazy House Elves).

Hermione reached out for her copy of The Daily Prophet. Two letters fell into her lap.  
She opened the first letter, which read:

Yo, Hermione!

Wuzzup, dawg! This is Kelsey, yo yo yo. I like cheese.

Kelsey! Shut up! Jesse, please tell me you didn't write that down. And did you just write down me not telling you to write that down? Uhh!

Cheese! Cheese! Cheese!

Kelsey, shut up!

Cheese! Glorious cheese!

Okay, this is the last time I'm dictating a letter!

C-H-E-E-S-E! It's cheese!

Listen, Jesse, just tell Hermione that we're all doing fine and to write back.

BEHOLD THE POWER OF CHEESE!

Kelsey!

(Very sorry about the letter Hermione. It was Lauren's idea to say it out loud and have me write it, not mine. Very sorry about Kelsey. Something's wrong with that girl. -Jesse)  
Sincerely,  
Lauren

P.S.: I like cheese!

Kelsey, for the last time, SHUT UP! XOXO

Hermione smiled, looking down at the letter. It wasn't every day you got a letter like that.  
Or ever. Hermione quickly wrote down a reply and handed it to Tommy, the owl.

The other letter was plain (the last one had been done on Batman stationary paper) and read "Granger" on the front of the envelope.

It read:

I honestly don't know why I'm doing this, but I need you to tell somebody that You-  
Know-Who is planning an attack on St. Mungo's tonight at midnight. I can't stop it myself, but I know that the Ministry and Hogwarts at least stands a chance. Once again,  
I don't know why I'm doing this, so don't expect any thing else from me.

Hermione reread the letter several times. Then, she took action. She walked up to the professors' table. "Professor McGonagall?"

"Yes, Miss Granger?" McGonagall acknowledged.

"I just got this letter from someone. I don't know who. But they say that there's going to be an attack on St. Mungo's tonight," Hermione said.

McGonagall reached for the letter. She tried a few quick spells on it, but nothing happened. "There's a series of charms on it, so there's no way to find out who it's from or if it's legitimate. But, thank you, Miss Granger. I'll contact the Ministry right away."

Hermione sat down, wondering who the sender of the last letter was.

Okay, long story short, St. Mungo's was attacked and several Ministry people were Avada'd and died. But, overall, the attack wasn't too bad. Well, as far as attacks on hospitals filled with weak, innocent people go, that is.

The next morning, Hermione sat in her Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, for once unable to pay attention to the lesson.

"This next spell," Professor Gravis began, "seems to be almost harmless. But if said by the wrong person, can be very dangerous. The spell is 'Wantfia Wacha.'" As she said this, she made a small flick with her wand. "Can anyone tell me what this spell is used for?"

Hermione, though not actually paying any attention, still managed to raise her hand, as always. Once called on, she said, "It's a spell that forces a person to say what they want most."

"Exactly," Professor Gravis said. "Now, the only way to avoid this spell making you tell a person what you want is to try and say something similar in sound, but not quite it. Pair up and try it."

Ron and Harry immediately paired up. Hermione heard Harry mumbling, "Mum and Dad," over and over again as Ron tried the spell. Eventually, it became, "Muhammad"  
which was a little bit better, though sort of stupid. Ron, when Harry was saying the spell,  
kept mumbling, "Her hiney," which made a few people giggle.

Hermione, parterless, looked around the room. Some people were even in groups of three to avoid being partnered with Hermione. "Here Hermione, we can work together, if you like."

Hermione nodded as Gravis said the spell. She tried her best to change what she had to say. Rather than saying, "To find out who wrote that letter," she managed to say, "To make out with what's better," which made absolutely no sense.

When trying it on Gravis, the dark haired woman whispered one word: "Service." Then,  
Gravis smiled. "I've never been good at blocking this spell, but it has gotten a bit better,  
I think."

The next day, at lunch time, Hermione received another letter.

Thank you, for what you did yesterday. I know I said that I wouldn't write to you anymore, but I had to tell you something else. Several others and I have destroyed the remaining Horcruxes. Don't ask how we found them, but we did. This means that You-  
Know-Who is once again mortal, though I doubt he knows it. But, if he does, this means that his attacks will come more often and will be more deadly. The next one is planned for tonight after sunset at the Ministry. Tell McGonagall if you like, but you should really speak with Percy Weasley, today. That idiot knows more than you think.

Hermione immediately got up. But, to do what? The only reasonable thing to do would've been to tell McGonagall. But something made her think of Percy instead. She walked up to the Gryffindor common room to use the fireplace for a little Floo chat.

A few first years were already in the common room. Seven, actually. They were all talking about Quidditch practice with Neville Longbottom and Luna Lovegood. But, most likely their classes wouldn't begin any time soon, seeing as Neville and Luna were too busy making out.

After Hermione had kicked out the reluctant first years, she threw some Floo dust into the fire and asked for Percy Weasley at the Ministry of Magic.  
Immediately, Hermione, from the shoulders up, was transported into Percy's office. The redhead gave a small, girlish shriek. "Hermione!"

"Percy, I need to talk to you," Hermione said.

"What on earth about? You do realize that I'm working, don't you? And you know I'm not speaking with my family. And..."

"Okay Percy, shut up for a second," Hermione interrupted. "One. I need to talk to you about a letter I just received. Two. Yes, I know you're working, but, frankly, I don't give a care. Three. I'm not exactly speaking with them, either."

"Alright. What letter?" he asked.

Hermione handed Percy the letter. His eyes steadily got wider as he read. " What is it talking about? What does it mean?" Hermione asked.

"Nothing, Hermione. This must be a mistake. I..."

"Cram it, Percy. I know you know something. So what is it? Or would you rather I got the Ministry involved?"

Percy let out a another little shriek, the fear of being sacked filling him. "Alright, alright,  
I'll tell you." He looked around suspiciously and then locked his office door. "This,  
Hermione." In a flash, Percy had pulled up his sleeve, showing her something on his shoulder.

The Dark Mark.

Hermione gasped. "Percy! How? When? Why?"

"Shhh!" Percy warned. "I've had it for about three years now. Right before I stopped speaking to my family. I was sure they'd find out. I had to break contact with them."

"But... why, Percy?"

"It was Dumbledore's idea," Percy replied. "He told me that he already had a spy, but that he was worried he might be losing him, soon. He said that I'd be perfect for it,  
because no one would ever suspect." Percy hung his head. "I hate myself for it now," he mumbled.

"Oh, Percy," Hermione breathed. "We just thought you were being difficult. We didn't know."

"You couldn't have known, Hermione. You weren't supposed to."

"But who sent the letter?"

Percy shook his head. "I don't know. It must be another Death Eater, not to mention a very trusted one. I was never told about the attack."

"What're you going to do now, Percy?"

"I'll have to inform the Ministry, I suppose." He sat down at his desk and put his head in his hands. "Oh, I shouldn't have joined. I should've told Dumbledore to find someone else. I could've become an Auror. At least then I'd be able to be with my family and with..."

"With who?" Hermione asked.

"Nobody."

"Who?"

"It doesn't matter. She found someone else. She's happy, and that's all that matters.  
Besides, great girls like her don't fall for guys like me." A look of anger flashed through his eyes. "They fall for bloody werewolves."

"Do you mean...?"

"Just go, Hermione. I'll be all right. It doesn't matter." He waved her off.

And Hermione left, feeling pangs of sadness, sympathy, and confusion. Oh yeah, lots of that last one. 


	5. When WannaBe Death Eaters Decide To

Topsy Turvy Chapter Five: When Wanna-Be Death Eaters Decide To Raise The Dead

The next day, Hermione found herself watching Neville and Luna teaching first years Quidditch. Some of them weren't all that bad. Perhaps a few would actually make it onto the Gryffindor team next year. The rest, on the other hand, sucked at Quidditch more than she did. Whew… that's bad.

"Good, good. Now, do a few laps 'round the Quidditch field, again!" Neville called.

Hermione was still trying to remember the students' names. There was Betty (or Betsy?), Torrey and Terry (twins, right?), Allison (Alley, Alice?), Linda (Lana?), Joe (who told her that he preferred the name 'Super Dude'), and Gurdy. Yes, she was positive about that last one.

"Isn't he the best, Hermione?" Luna asked, staring at Neville.

"Uh..." Hermione began. "Well, he sure is something, alright." Hermione did not think that Neville was the best, nor would she ever.

"He's a great kisser, too," Luna said in her naturally dreamy voice.

"Um, yeah," Hermione said, turning away.

"But," Luna said in this mischievous, little voice, "that's not all he's good at. I mean, yee-  
hah!"

Hermione, whose face was officially Weasley-clan-red by then, really didn't want the picture of Neville getting lucky in her head.

I mean, really. Would you? Too late.

At dinner, Hermione purposely sat far away from Luna Lovegood and Neville, not that they noticed. At the same time, she sat even further away from Ron, Harry, and Ginny,  
the latter of which kept flipping her off.

Hermione looked up and saw Professor Gravis. The beautiful teacher had a sad, far off look about her that night. More so than her usual sad/far off look. Hermione wondered what she was thinking about. A few times, Hermione would hear Gravis muttering to herself things like, "Only three months along," and, "If only I hadn't..." But, they were usually followed by Gravis going on one of her psycho-maniac-scary rants and giving some first year four years worth of detentions.

An owl fluttered into the room and landed directly above Hermione's head, which she was shielding with her arms. The owl dropped a letter into her lap and then flew away.  
Hermione opened the letter, which read:

Thank you for your help. The Ministry was prepared and stopped the attack. That idiot,  
Weasley, did a good job, after all. I suppose he told you what he is, didn't he? Well,  
tonight you and Weasley get to find out who I am. Who we are. Tonight, after everyone is in bed, sneak out of Hogwarts. The address you need to go to is written on the back of this page. We have a plan. A plan that will stop You-Know-Who. Please come alone,  
but be armed with your wand and anything else you have. All I ask is that you let us explain ourselves before you blast us into smithereens.

P.S.: Weasley will probably be there, too. Yuck.

Hermione tucked the letter away in her pocket, already thinking about that night.

Sneaking out wasn't too hard. All Hermione had to do was steal Harry's Invisibility Cloak, bust into the broom closet and steal some broom that nobody in their right mind would willingly ride unless they had to, and fly over the Forbidden Forest, which was very, very Dark. Yup, that's all she had to do.

Once she was over the forest, Hermione Apparated to what appeared to be another forest, on its own. There were so many trees and even a stream. It was almost impossible to spot the little, grey house that she had to go to. The house was small and dirty, and didn't look like anyone had lived there for a long time. Hermione took off the Invisibility Cloak and knocked on the door, wand at the ready. It had occurred to her that it might be a trap, but she was willing to take that chance.

But she wasn't so sure once the door opened and she saw the unmistakable face of Severus Snape.

Hermione tried to let out a scream, but she was pulled into the house too quickly, her wand falling to the floor.

Hermione looked up, not wanting to know who else might be there. Peter Pettigrew,  
Draco Malfoy, and Percy Weasley were all in the living room.

"What's going on here?" Hermione asked, trying to keep herself from shaking.

"It's alright, Hermione," Percy said. "We're here to help."

"Help? Help get me killed!" Hermione yelled.

Malfoy rolled his eyes. "Honestly now, Granger. Why would we kill you?"

Hermione sputtered out, "What do you mean, 'Why would we kill you'? Gee, I don't know, maybe because you've killed everyone else by now!"

Malfoy rolled his eyes again. "Well, you should've thought about the fact that we might be killers when you read my letters and decided to come here."

"Your letters?" Hermione asked.

"Yup," Malfoy said. "Actually, I'm surprised you didn't guess it was me."

Hermione turned to Percy. "Alright, what do you have to say for yourself?"

Percy shrugged. "I just got here. I don't really know what's going on. They say they have a plan, so I'm guessing that they have a plan."

"Oh, of course," Hermione said. "You're safe no matter what, you Death Eater!"

"Miss Granger, would you kindly save your rampaging for after we tell you our plan"  
Snape asked.

Hermione shuddered. Not so much because of the situation she was in, but because Snape had referred to her as "rampaging," a word she had often used to describe what Harry did. Crazy Harry.

"Alright, what?" Hermione asked, crossing her arms.

"Tell me, why are you so angry right now?" Snape asked, casually.

"What? What do you mean? You of all people should know why I'm angry!" Hermione yelled. "Let's see, maybe it's because I'm stuck in the room with four Death Eaters, most of which are killers!"

"Actually, Granger," Malfoy began, "Pettigrew's the only killer here, and that's because of those twelve Muggles he blew up."

"It was an accident," Pettigrew said in a sulky voice, looking down.

"What an idiot," Hermione muttered, though no one was quite sure who she was talking about.

"Okay," Hermione began, "Tell me then. How are the rest of you not murderers? Let's see, Percy isn't because he hasn't had the chance yet. Malfoy isn't because he's a spineless wimp. And Snape... oh, wait, he is!"

"Tell me, whom did I murder?" Snape asked.

Hermione thought her brain was going to explode. "Gee, I don't know. Dumbledore,  
maybe!"

Snape smirked. "What if I told you that Dumbledore isn't dead?"

Hermione looked at Snape and shook her head in disbelief. "We buried him! There was a funeral! Trust me, he's dead."

"Have you seen his body lately?" Snape asked.

"What? Do you mean digging up his grave and poking his corpse with a stick"  
Hermione asked, sarcastically.

"Actually," Malfoy started, "If you dug up his grave, you wouldn't find anything. We stole him and his coffin last week!"

Hermione opened and closed her mouth. "You people are sick!"

"Listen, Granger," Malfoy began, "He's not dead! You can look at the body yourself!  
He's not breathing, his heart's not beating, and he can't talk, but he's sure not dead!"

"Then what is he?" Hermione asked.

"Sleeping," Malfoy said, as if it was the most obvious answer in the world.

"Sleeping?" Hermione asked.

"The sleeping-death, actually," Snape said. "It's a death like hibernation caused by the spell Avada Kedavra."

"So, what're you saying?" Hermione asked. "That everyone that's ever died from it is just sleeping? That you can shake Cedric Diggory, Sirius Black, and the Potters awake and say, 'Good morning! Who wants eggs and bacon?'"

"Well, sort of," Malfoy said. "It depends on if they like eggs and bacon or not."

Snape shot Malfoy a look and rolled his eyes. "What he means is, waking them up is a much harder task than that."

"Which is why we need you," Malfoy said.

"You need one person to say the series of spells, two to under go it, and at least two to witness it, in case anything goes wrong," Snape added.

"And we need you to undergo the spells," Malfoy said.

"What spells?" Hermione asked.  
"The spells that will make you scream loud enough to wake the dead," Malfoy said,  
smirking.

"Which is exactly what we have to do!" Percy added, catching on.

Hermione, who was not catching on, shook her head. "Let me get this straight: you're going to raise the dead?"

"Well, they're not really dead," Malfoy said. "Just sleeping. Sort of."

Hermione smiled. "Great. Just great. I'm stuck here with a bunch of wanna-be Death Eaters that are going to raise the dead and they want me to help. Just great."

"Well, we can't do it tonight," Malfoy said. "We still have to dig up a few more bodies."

Hermione shuddered. "Ya'll are sick."

"Probably," Malfoy said, "but sometimes sick people accomplish a lot."

"We'll need you to come back here every night," Snape said to Hermione. "We have much planning to sort out."

"And what if I tell all of Hogwarts about this?" Hermione asked.

"You won't," Snape said.

"How do you know?" Hermione asked.

"Because you want to see if we can bring back the dead," Snape said. "In the end, your curiosity will get the best of you."

"Humph!" Hermione said.

Percy escorted Hermione outside.

"Do you honestly believe them, Percy?" Hermione asked.

Percy shrugged. "Why not"  
Hermione scowled. "Maybe because they're a bunch of psychotic lunatics?"

Percy shrugged, again. "Sometimes psychotic lunatics have the best ideas."

Hermione shook her head. "You're a strange person, Percy."

Percy just shrugged... again. 


	6. Flushing Dead People's Heads In

Topsy Turvy Chapter Six: Flushing Dead People's Heads In Toilets Is Only One Of Draco Malfoy's Hobbies Hermione woke up the next morning with a huge headache. She had a feeling that it had something to do with all of the incredible stupidity of the night before.

She dressed and combed, or tried to comb, her hair, which was bushier than usual. She had read somewhere that witches and wizards could control their hair by how they felt.  
She had a feeling that her hair got frizzier when she was annoyed.

Hermione went through the day trying not to think about the night before. She had thought about telling somebody, but she really was curious about whether Snape,  
Malfoy, Pettigrew, Percy, and herself would be able to raise the dead. But Hermione really didn't want to admit to herself that Snape had been right, so she just kept telling herself that she could tell somebody later.

"Ho ho ho!" Professor Santos Claws greeted. "Today, we're going to find out how you can Transfigure puppies into doughnuts! FROSTED doughnuts!"

This seemed like one of the dumbest lessons Hermione had ever had. It didn't help either that after all of the puppies were Transfigured, Professor Claws would say,  
"Mmm... doughnuts," and eat them. That was pretty sick, actually.

Her Defense Against the Dark Arts class wasn't much better. Gravis threw one of her fits about nothing, which was always scary.

Needless to say, Hermione had a very boring day. Even the letter from Lauren didn't cheer her up (Kelsey likes cheese, as it turns out). That night, after she had snuck out,  
she felt like the most unlucky person in the world.

Which she very well might've been, seeing as she didn't notice that she was being followed.

Hermione knocked on the door of the small, grey house. Peter Pettigrew answered the door, picking his nose the whole time.

Hermione sighed. She was the most normal person in the house and she didn't feel very normal, at all. 

Draco Malfoy entered the room. "Ugh. That was nasty."

"What?" Hermione asked.

"We just had to retrieve Black's body from the Ministry. Did you know that that hole he fell into leads to the sewers?" Malfoy asked incredulously.

Hermione, who indeed didn't know this, grimaced.

"You know," Malfoy said to Hermione, "I'm surprised you haven't asked to see the bodies yet. To make sure that they're really not dead."

Hermione, in her usual stuck up voice, replied, "I have no intention of seeing the bodies.  
Besides, how can you tell that they're not dead?"

"It's not easy," Malfoy said, "But it's sort of obvious when you think about how some of them have been dead for years and they look like they just died two seconds ago."

"They don't decay?"

"Nope. Wanna see?"

"Hardly," Hermione replied.

"Why not?" Malfoy asked.

"It's gross," Hermione answered.

"…"

"…"

"Chicken."

"I am not!"

"Then come down to the cellar. That's where they are."

"Maybe I will," Hermione answered, following Malfoy down to the basement.

Pettigrew began singing a song about the dead bodies in the cellar.

Percy shivered. "Is he always like this?"

"You have no idea," Snape replied.

A few minutes later, Percy and Snape heard the flush of a toilet, a screech, and the sound of people running up stairs. "You are so gross!" Hermione screamed, running upstairs.

Malfoy chuckled. "It was funny!"

"No, it was gross!"

"Funny!"

"Gross!"

"Funny!"

"Okay, how is poking Cedric Diggory with a stick, placing Sirius Black's hand on Dumbledore's butt, and flushing the toilet with James Potter's head in it funny"  
Hermione yelled.

"Trust me, it just is," Malfoy answered.

Percy rolled his eyes. Snape smirked at the thought of James Potter getting his head flushed in a toilet. Peter Pettigrew started singing a song about peanuts.

"Peanuts are the yummiest,  
Peanuts are the funniest.  
Peanuts are the craziest,  
Peanuts are the laziest.  
Nothing can beat -  
These nuts that I eat!"

And they said Sirius Black was a madman.

Hermione looked at Snape. "Why are the bodies suspended upside down by one leg?"

"It saves room," Snape said simply. "There are a lot of them."

"And why was James Potter suspended directly over the toilet in the downstairs bathroom?"

Snape didn't answer; just smirked. Malfoy laughed. Pettigrew sang. Percy sniffed.  
Hermione rolled her eyes.

"Do you know why everyone thinks you're all evil?" Hermione asked. "Because you are all disgusting! Who other than Severus Snape would have a bunch of dead bodies in his cellar? Who other than Draco Malfoy would flush one of those body's heads in the toilet? Who other than Peter Pettigrew would sing a stupid song like that about peanuts? Who other than Percy Weasley would... would... do whatever it is that he's doing? You're all sick! Sick, sick, sick, sick..."

Knock knock knock.

Everyone turned to the door.

"You didn't invite anyone else, did you?" Hermione asked in a whisper.

Snape lifted his wand. "Not that I remember."

Snape walked to the door and swung it open. Hermione heard a girl scream. The next thing she knew, Neville Longbottom was being thrown into the room and Snape had Luna Lovegood by the hair.

"Are these friends of your?" Snape asked.

"Neville! Luna! What are you doing here?" Hermione asked.

"Hermione, what are YOU doing here?" Luna asked, the dreaminess gone from her voice for a moment.

Neville looked around nervously. "We heard you yelling."

Draco Malfoy said, "Oh, she was just yelling it up over all of the dead bodies in the cellar."

Neville and Luna both turned a strange shade of white.

"They're not really dead," Percy said comfortingly.

"Just sort of dead," Hermione added.

"But what are they doing here?" Neville asked, gesturing towards Snape, Malfoy, and Pettigrew.

"They are going to raise the dead," Percy answered.

"Huh?"

"Raise the dead," Hermione said. "Believe it or not."

"They're not really dead," Malfoy said. "Just sort of dead."

"Kind of dead," Percy agreed.

"Somewhat dead," Hermione added.

Neville and Luna exchanged looks. It was obvious that they thought the others were crazy.

"Did anyone else follow you?" Snape asked, staring so hardly at Neville that the boy let out a shriek.

"Well..." Luna began.

"Well?" Hermione goaded.

"Well," Luna continued, "we did sort of tell a few people to follow us."

"Who?" Snape asked with a narrowed eye.

Luna continued. "Well, we ran into Professor Lupin on our way out. I think he was there to see Tonks." Percy grimaced. "And we told him that we thought Hermione was going somewhere and that he should follow us."

Snape scowled and rolled his eyes. "Great. Lupin. Just what I need."

"Did you tell anyone else?" Hermione asked.

"Well, after that, we bumped into Professor Gravis and told her that she should follow us," Luna said.

Peter Pettigrew looked up. "Forma Gravis?"

Snape's eyes widened. "Forma Gravis?"

"Yeah, Forma Gravis," Luna said.

"Uh-oh," Snape and Pettigrew said in unison.

"What?" Hermione asked.

"Nothing," Snape said. "I just don't want that lunatic in my house."

Pettigrew whimpered. "Not Forma Gravis."

"You both know her, don't you?" Hermione asked, somewhat stupidly.

"She was in the same year as us in Hogwarts," Snape said. "Unfortunately."

Just then, the door burst open. An angry Remus Lupin pushed his way into the room.

"Ah, crap…" Snape, Pettigrew, Malfoy, Percy, and Hermione said together. 


	7. Scrawny, LongHaired, Middle Aged Men

Topsy Turvy Chapter Seven: Scrawny, Long-Haired, Middle Aged Men Gone Wild!  
It all happened so quickly. One minute Remus Lupin had blown up the door and burst into the room and the next thing Hermione knew, Lupin and Snape were in a fist fight. It didn't help that Draco Malfoy, Peter Pettigrew, and Percy Weasley kept chanting, "Fight!  
Fight! Fight!"

Hermione rolled her eyes. It would've been much more practical if Lupin had chosen to attack Snape with his wand and magic, but a fist fight? Really, she thought he was one of the professors with some sense.

The two men were on the ground now, slamming each other's faces into the floor.  
Hermione could hear screams of "GET OFF ME!" and "DIE TRAITOR!"

Personally, Hermione thought it was the stupidest thing she'd ever seen. But, it wasn't every day that you got to see two scrawny, long-haired, middle aged men trying to kill each other.

In the end, Malfoy, Pettigrew, Percy, and Neville had to pull the two wizards apart. But Lupin wouldn't have it. "Let me at him! Let me at him!"

Hermione rolled her eyes, again. "Professor Lupin, if you'd just shut up for a minute, we can explain everything."

"What? Explain? Ha!" Lupin continued to struggle.

He probably would've gotten loose, too, if Percy hadn't of smashed a lamp against his head.

Lupin fell to the ground. "Ow."

Percy shrugged casually. Hermione had the feeling that he'd been wanting to do that for a long while.

The sound of footsteps came from outside. "That must be Professor Gravis," Neville said.

Lupin gave out a small shriek. "Forma Gravis? The spaz?"

Peter Pettigrew whimpered. Again. "Forma Gravis. The psychopath."

Snape sneered. "Forma Gravis. The..."

But, whatever word he was going to say was stifled as the dark haired woman walked into the room.

"What's going on here?" Gravis asked. She looked around the room. "Remus?" Remus turned away. "Peter?" Peter backed up. Gravis seemed confused. Then she caught a glimpse of Snape. Her eyes narrowed. She scowled. "Severus."

"Forma," Snape said with equal spite.

Gravis turned to Hermione. "What are they doing here?"

"Uh..." Hermione began.

"They're going to raise the dead," Percy said.

"What!" Gravis and Lupin said in unison.

"Raise the dead," Percy repeated.

Gravis replied. "You'd better not be lying to me. I hate it when people lie to me."

Suddenly, the couch caught on fire. Hermione had a feeling that it had something to do with Gravis. Pettigrew leapt up. "Oh, no! Not again! It's just like what happened in our third year when James said her shirt made her look fat. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Lupin shook his head in disbelief. He hadn't seen Forma Gravis since she had blown up three buildings with her eyes after she found out who had won the Quidditch World Cup.  
Forma Gravis the Spaz was a dangerous person to have around.

"I'm not lying," Percy said, inching away from Gravis. "We're going to raise the dead,  
and that's that." He folded his arms, a defiant look in his eyes.

Gravis laughed. "Tell me, how are you going to do that?"

Percy thought for a moment. "Now that I think about it, I really don't know."

"Then who does?" Gravis asked.

Everyone looked around the room. But, ultimately, their gaze fell on Snape.

Gravis rolled her eyes. "Him? Ha!"

As she said, "Ha!" a lamp shattered into hundreds of pieces.

Of course, this meant that the two lamps that had been in the room at the beginning of the night were both broken and everything was pitch black.

"Lumos," several people said, their wands lighting up.

"Alright," Gravis started, "When are you planning on, um, raising the dead, did you say?"

"Tomorrow," Snape said.

Gravis smirked. "Well, I'll make sure to stop by." With that, she exited.

"Okay, that was weird," Malfoy said. "How did she set the couch on fire and break the other lamp?"

"Forma tends to lose her temper easily," Lupin answered. "There's no telling what can happen then."

"Yes, that was definitely weird," Malfoy repeated.

"Stupid is more like it," Hermione said.

Everyone was quiet for a moment. "I'm beginning to think..." Snape began.

"'Bout time," Lupin muttered.

Snape continued, "That we'll need more people around when we do it. To hold the bodies down in case some of them jump up."

"Hey, if we got jumping bodies, I'm out of here," Malfoy said.

"Exactly who are you planning to raise from the dead?" Lupin asked.

"Nobody you'd be interested in," Snape replied.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Of course he'd be interested in it! We're raising Dumbledore,  
the Potters, and Sirius Black, after all!"

Lupin's eyes widened. "But, how?"

Hermione sighed. They'd been over this too many times, lately. "Okay, let me make this quick: Anyone who 'died' from the Avada Kedavra isn't really dead but is in a sleep-like death and we're going to wake them up. Alright?"

"Alright," Lupin said, though by the confused look in his eyes he didn't look like it was.

Hermione stood up. "Okay, I'm out of here."

"Wait a minute," Lupin said. "I don't trust them. I'm not leaving." He glanced at Snape,  
Malfoy, and Pettigrew.

"Here, I'll stay too," Percy said.

"Oh, no you won't," Snape said, gritting his teeth.

"Yes I will," Lupin said defiantly.

"Me, too!" Percy added.

Snape sighed. "Alright. You can take the couch."

Lupin looked at the couch. It was just ashes now. "Great."

Lupin got off the floor (he'd been lying on the floor since he had that lamp smashed upside he head. Don't ask why). "Hermione," Lupin began, "You, Neville, and Luna should get back to Hogwarts."

Hermione nodded. "C'mon," she said to Neville and Luna. Before exiting, she turned.  
"Till tomorrow."

Neville and Luna followed Hermione out. Hermione could've sworn she'd heard Lupin ask, "Hey, does anyone have any chocolate? Anyone?"

Right before Disapparating, Neville asked, "Hermione, do you really trust them?"

Hermione, who thought that people were saying "them" in italics far too much, replied,  
"Yes. I think I do."

Neville shrugged. "Well, I guess we'll find everything out tomorrow."

Hermione nodded. "I suppose so." 


End file.
